My guided meditation with my teacher was peaking in intensity. I was feeling dizzy, completely out of my body and as if I was about to throw up. Karma, fear, and limited beliefs were being burned away by all the light coming in. My teacher asked me, “Do you trust?” I stammered, “No, yes, not right now.”

As I reflected on one of the defining moments of my awakening up to this point, I initially felt a lot of disappointment in myself for not being able to fully trust and let go.

But now I feel an immense appreciation for having the courage to go see my teacher in person for the first time. My ego was very scared because it knew what it was signing up for. Parts of it wouldn’t survive the meeting. It was afraid to let go and still is, even if a lot less so.

During the meditation, I was taken to my edge. I wanted to open my eyes and leave the intense energy several times all the while knowing I wouldn’t. Knowing that, as overwhelming as the energy felt, it is what I most needed. When I was in the midst of being overwhelmed by the energy my teacher remarked, “You’re on the spiritual path now.” It was a life altering moment that I will always remember. Something inside of me clicked as if to say, “Oh yeah, I am on the spiritual path, I don’t need to hang on to this illusion of security that the ego is trying to bargain with. I just need to let this energy obliterate me and take me for good.”

And since leaving my teacher that realization has stayed with me and crystallized into my being. I now verbalize to the energy on a daily basis, “I’m all yours. Do what you want with me. You have got me. I don’t care to resist anymore.”

But what I verbalize most of all is, “I love you so much. I love you Mother God, Universe, and Earth. I love you Teacher and I love you Truth.”

I feel these sentiments at my core and in a deeper way than I ever have. And with these deepening feelings, my external needs and desires have melted away.

I have surrendered all of my egoic desires to Her. If She wants to express through me, then I will be an open conduit for any expression whether it be writing, talking, yard work, or just being. Once you feel the connection to Her, it is all the same and not one thing is superior to another because the presence of Her flowing through you is what brings the feeling of complete satisfaction and connection. It is always there in the background of anything that you are you doing and what you are doing becomes secondary to the feeling of connection and peace.

There has been this persistent and pervasive longing to completely LET GO into this peacefulness and connection. A desire to sink deeper and deeper in to God, Source, Universe and to let all of the falseness suffocate and drown in the spaciousness of all there is.

Having my teacher present with me while so much energy was moving within me was crucial to helping me feel safe and to trust that I could let the entire universe in and not be too small to integrate it all.

After leaving my teacher I immediately knew a shift had taken place. Never had I felt so much love, peace, and joy. I was high as a kite. I didn’t care about anything but loved everything. Everything was perfect and nothing was needed or would ever be needed again. I felt like goo. Completely stoned but with such a deep clarity.

A deep sense of peace pervaded my entire being with a subtle discomfort arising from the parts that hadn’t let go and had stayed behind. Parts I would have to embrace and open to and learn how to love.

I could feel the parts of me that resisted the energy. They held a dull but persistent burn, tension, and ache. I was sorry to not have let them go, but understood they must have more to teach me.

Prior to beginning my meditation my teacher and I discussed my fear of the Kundalini energy rising up my spine. I told him every time it rises up my spine I feel like I’m going to be annihilated and crippled by the energy so I resist and try to restrict the energy in these moments because it feels too powerful for my being to handle.

My teacher gently told me that there is always a small part of truth in every egoic thought. And that I was right that I would be annihilated by the energy. But only the parts of me that weren’t in alignment with the Truth would be destroyed and taken. What is innocent and true stays. That it is true that the ego is too small to handle all of this energy and that is why it is paramount that we trust. If She didn’t want this to be happening to us, it wouldn’t be happening.

Ever since the meditation all I’ve wanted is to let go deeper into the energy so that everything false can leave. I would love to do that meditation every day. I also realize that I can do that meditation every day.

Meditations have become more frequent and the silence more welcome. As always I’ve been bombarded with old wounds and beliefs that feel restricting and frustrating. These last few days I’ve had to remind myself that there is no going backwards on this path and that it is a good thing that old patterns and energies are resurfacing because it is an opportunity to let them go for good.

As usual I’ve been questioning my path and myself daily only to surrender more fully to the unknown. I’ve been learning to cherish that I don’t know because the unknown is the brilliance of this experience. If we knew, things would feel stale and uninspired. We don’t want safety; we want adventure.

I’ve been coming to a clearer understanding of what is coming into my being. Feeling the grace with which the transformation is taking place. Seeing the reflection of those close to me changing and me seeing them from a new perspective. All of life is changing and the Being-ness is the most powerful catalyst in the transformation.