Kundalini Craziness
This week I received some beautiful questions from a reader and I thought that our dialogue could help a lot of you who may find yourself dealing with similar challenges.
Question:
I've just found your website and videos - all really good stuff. I had a similar experience to you about 18 months ago. Energy flew up to my head and it was stuck there for months, I could have thrown myself under a bus. Over time though, I began to stabilize. I won't go through all of it but I’d really appreciate some advice. I was beginning to notice a change in my brain, activity was slowing down and I saw that as positive - bodily symptoms weren't so getting to me so much. I've experienced the vast spells of emptiness and loss of interest in literally everything. However 18 months in, I feel my mind starting to race again, old fears are starting to creep back in along with anxiety that i haven't really experienced before. I used to be a teacher but I haven't been able to work since this all happened. I thought the whole point of this was to silence the mind, but now it feels like I’ve made little progress at all. My body does feel lighter as if I’ve cleared a lot of stuff so I guess that’s a positive but I kind of feel I have some crazy ego rebuilding itself. I’m not sure if this makes any sense but I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Response:
I can relate to your experiences very deeply. The surge in fear and anxiety you are experiencing along with the increased mind activity are all signs of the kundalini purifying process. When we are releasing old energies, patterns and fears our minds can interpret this as something to be concerned about (it is a survival machine after all) but rest easy knowing that this is part of the process and all is going according to plan. These old fears must be released/transmuted and the only way for this to happen is for you to feel the energy supporting them.
Try to stay relaxed and open. Really allow this energy to arise in its fullest intensity without holding any resistance to it at all. Yes the mind may feel kind of crazy for awhile as these energies release but that's okay, you're not the mind. You're not creating some sort of crazy ego, that is just what a fearful mind is projecting. Don't believe your thoughts as this process of releasing deep seated fear energy continues to unfold. If you keep your body relaxed, open and surrendered and you come to a place where you have some space from your minds movement (meaning you don't automatically get pulled into unconscious identification with its fearful projections) you will notice over time that your mind will begin to relax because the fear is being released. It's also important not to fear your minds thoughts, and to remain as a space of conscious awareness, not saying yes or no to any thoughts during this process but just allowing all the thoughts to be there... not suppressing or trying to escape them in anyway
What's happening is the kundalini is purging anything that isn't true in your being and this can feel very intense for awhile. The key is to embrace this process because it is liberating you from your shadows. The only way out is through. The intense anxiety/fear/mind momentum is actually a good sign when seen for what it really is.... which is you shedding another layer and coming closer to the Truth of who you really are.
I highly recommend this practice I found on calmdownmind.com that really helped me to start really allowing this energy to release/come to balance:
Just sit in a comfortable position so that your entire body is supported in some way. For example you can sit in a very comfortable couch, that supports your back and head completely, so that you don’t have to “hold” any posture.
Realize that you don’t have to hold your body anymore because the couch is doing it for you. So you can now just let go of the body as if it were dead.
Just be in simple place of a completely surrender, where you are not trying to hold or control anything. You can feel that there’s some energy in you which is trying to grab hold of something, and is very fearful of letting go so completely. Notice this energy but let it be, don’t try to get rid of it.
Don’t judge anything and don’t try to solve, or sort out, anything. If fear arises, let it arise, if panic arises, let it arise, if confusion arises, let it arise. Just imagine that you are a dead body with no control over anything. It may take a few tries before you can truly be in this absolute state of no control, an absolute letting go.
Don’t try to be “aware”. In fact, quit trying to do anything at all and just let go. Notice that awareness is not something that “you” have to do, because awareness is always here. This is a big revelation for someone who has been trying to be “aware” or trying to stay as a consciousness.
You may notice that the awareness is always in the background, and thoughts and emotions are happening in this awareness. Even the thought “I am not aware right now” is just a thought happening in awareness
I hope this helps, let me know if you have any more questions and keep me posted on your progress.
Question:
That's brilliant stuff and that's a good practice that I will have a good at. Just letting things come up and not fighting them seems the best way. I do have one issue though which I find quite difficult to allow fully though... At the beginning when so much was trapped in my head, I didn't really sleep at all for 3 months and I seem to have developed a deep rooted fear of not sleeping...I find it quite hard not to resist the fear that comes up.. I feel like I’m reinforcing the fear quite a lot. I guess continually allowing the feeling is the best way to go.
Response:
Yes that's right. Sometimes we need to reach a point (out of exhaustion and frustration) where we would rather the fear happen than be a prisoner to the fearful thoughts for one more second. Become okay and unafraid of the fear actually happening. This doesn't mean that it will happen, quite the opposite. But it does take away your minds ability to blackmail you.
The mind just wants control and it will cling to anything you fear and use that to make you do its bidding. But in truth, the mind is just a machine, not a master. So when you become unafraid of the fearful thing the mind is telling you might happen you take away all of the minds power over you and the fearful thoughts lose the energy supporting them (which was your fear of them) and they dissolve... it may be really hard at first but hang in there... let the mind run amok with thoughts of fear about not sleeping and just watch them like a scientist in a lab and remain open to all the intensely fearful feelings that come with the thoughts... at your core essence you are completely unharmable... nothing can harm your being... stay open to the fear of not sleeping... make peace with the reality of never sleeping again.. be genuine about it... you cannot bluff the mind... and then over time watch the resistance melt away... let go of trying to suffocate and control the mind and let Life and the 'Most High' enter you and guide you.. that's what the Kundalini is here for, to guide you into communion and relationship with the 'Most High', God, the Universe, Life or what ever resonates with you...
As you give your mind its freedom and develop a trust in Life to support you, the mind will settle down.. normal sleep will return.. and lastly here is something I read that was very soothing when I was struggling with getting very little sleep:
“Awake spacious awareness (which does not turn off) is one of the major aspects of spiritual awakening. Sleep trouble goes along with being Awake. Sleep is something I personally have struggled with for many years, yet there is another way of relating to your experience of sleep and rest. I would encourage you to look at your beliefs about sleep and about what you need to feel rested. Most of us have a belief that we need 8 full hours of sleep and that it must happen at night. Can you change your relationship to sleep and simply allow yourself to rest in bed? Lay there in savasana pose and give yourself full permission to rest totally. And then see how you feel. If your mind is bothering you with judgments of how much sleep you “should be getting or need” see if you can simply let that go. See how you truly feel if you simply give yourself permission to rest (sleep or no sleep).One of the main complaints about spiritual awakening is that we are awakened to new currents of energy and Grace and now cannot sleep.This is normal and may take some time to work itself out. Enjoy the energy and the new found awareness and let go of any thoughts, beliefs, and judgments about sleep. You may even lay there, consciously awake at night, and choose to have that be a time of deep meditation. You may hold a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly and rest in the vast spacious awareness that you are. In the morning you may not have slept much, but you may actually feel quite wonderful.”
-Craig Holliday:
Question:
Thanks for all your advice there, I think deep down I know that's the way to go. I had a spell of anxiety a few years back before this process kicked me up the arse and I basically allowed everything to come and recovered quite quickly. You seem to be doing really well now which is good. I'm 18 months in, I'm much better than I was but I haven't really experienced and highs apart from one massive high in august last year! That was after the first release of energy integrated..but it took 5 months! Those first 4 months were literally horrific, so much just wanted to be in my head and it shut me down completely...it didn't even go anywhere near my spine , it went up my arms! I remember it like it was yesterday.. I haven't worked since..
Since then I’ve had the crazy hypersensitivity to everything, pressures and energy everywhere, complete emptiness, loss if interest in everything, you name it..but hey ho ay..I know that its doing something pretty amazing to me and I’m far more allowing now..I just feel a bit stuck...Anyway, thanks for all your advice, it's much appreciated.
Response:
Yeah truthfully I have a lot of challenges with the process myself. It brings up all of our psychological imbalances to be healed and I had/have numerous psychological imbalances that I'm still working through. But yes you're so right, surrendering and giving this process to Life, God, Universe is the way to go... you know deep down that something amazing is happening and all you need to do is allow... keep trusting your intuition and surrendering deeper and deeper into the energy and soon there won't be such a separate feeling between you and the energy, you will be One... just let yourself melt into the energy and allow it to move through as you.. you're doing really good. Stay easy with yourself. All the physical symptoms that you described I have had/still have so I totally understand what you're experiencing. Those are good signs of evolution. Evolution isn’t always pretty... it can feel even violent at times... but pain and suffering are the best catalysts for growth and ultimately that's what we are here for... growth. Try not to resist anything and keep connecting with your spaciousness....
Question:
Yeah basically I just allow everything to happen and don't get involved...but then sometimes I do get involved but that’s okay..i just don't force myself to feel any other way...It's kinda hard though isn't it when i just feel generally crappy all the time. I wish i learnt all this info 5 years ago!! Can I just ask you if you if you go through many spells when your mind is silent? Like it's actually quite hard to think? I guess you just kind of allow that too but I found those periods kind of odd.. Also I feel kind of empty, yet full of energy..does this sound familiar at all?
Response:
Yes I definitely have been through long periods where I couldn't think, read or do anything with my mind. This is part of the rewiring process that happens off and on for quite some time. It can be disconcerting but they are times of profound transformation and they pass. Yes those times of being empty yet full of energy... almost like 'where am I?' Just feeling the personality structure dissolved. Sink into this. It too passes.
I know sometimes it is like will I ever feel good again?! And the movement is to love what ever arises... whether it anxiety, fear, physical symptoms, rewiring of the brain,emptiness, just overall negativity... just love it and thank it because it has/is serving you. When we are able to truly love the pain then it no longer has anything to teach us and it will release from our being. I'm currently dissolving a huge shadow in my mind and I've realized I can have all of the conceptual knowledge and realizations I want, but if there is no love and my heart isn’t opening then I get stuck in the pain... but when I open myself to something greater/love/God/the intelligence of Life then a real and deep healing can manifest... it starts with loving ourselves... and if we cannot genuinely love ourselves then it starts with calling on 'The Most High' (what ever that means to you) to love us and to help us to love ourselves... I didn’t really start dissolving the pain and owning my light until I made this connection through the help of my teacher.... it has been a long road but through prayer and humility and letting go I finally feel my heart starting to crack open and it is really transforming this process... hope this helps!
Question:
Wow yeah that kind of makes sense..I'm not sure if I can love all the experiences yet but I know I am definitely more accepting of them. I can let everything pretty much happen in my awareness without any judgement which has been a large step forward. I'm not sure if you've heard of Rupert Spira but he talks about awareness as being a loving space. When I had my spells of anxiety over the last few days, I just allowed them to happen and it just fizzled away and i feel something has shifted. I just feel like I'm not really moving forward, I'm kind of alright with it though as I’ve managed to rent my house out..but I just feel too unstable still at the moment to get out there..and this makes me think that maybe I’m not really allowing at all!. Oh dear ay.
Response:
You have been allowing enough to get where you are with the process. Often I will come to places of deep surrender and think wow I really wasn't allowing or surrendering at all before. When in reality it was the initial surrender that lead to the deeper surrender and that leads to even deeper surrender... and on and on... so it is normal to come into a realization and think you have been doing it all wrong before. It happens to me all the time and is normal. The not moving forward in outer life is just a story in the mind... you don't have to believe it. You know the serious work you are doing... the outer movement will come... when you have surrendered into grace than God/Life will put you to work.
Just allow yourself to relax and rest right now... and if the mind wants to guilt you or harass you or tell you that you aren’t moving forward just let it have its freedom and you stay connected to witnessing it all with love... you are doing really well and I can intuit a genuineness and clarity in you about what is happening within... the confusion and pain will resolve and transform.. just keep opening your heart and trusting the energy and process.. and let go of any judgement you may have about how your outer life looks... in fact let go of all your judgements about how things should look/feel/be completely and love and accept what is... you may not want to be out of work and devoting all of your time and energy to healing within, but that doesn't have to stop you from choosing to be where you are and seeing the profound value in it and loving it for all that it is.
