A Complete Surrender
A complete surrender has taken hold of my existence.
No longer do I reach and yearn for change or for things to be different. Through fierce grace I have learned that my path has already been chosen and that my only ‘doing’ is to be in full cooperation with the inevitable.
For too long I’ve tried to rush my process and life. I’ve tried to change reality through my will and each time I’ve only brought myself pain and suffering. I now know through my ability to feel, that Life has its own pace and that my only role in Life is to sense this movement and to align with it to the best of my abilities.
I’m realizing that I can’t function effectively through my old ‘egoic’ self. It seems to be losing its power and ability to move me with fear. This is a huge adjustment, but is ultimately very freeing. The ‘egoic me’ within is dissolving and a greater force (life) is being given more room to facilitate movement through my being. A letting go of control or even the desire for control is being sensed and intuited.
I’ve also realized the severity of how fear has still been running my life since my awakening. This has been a harrowing discovery. It is like a bright light has been shined on all of the fear-based programs in my mind and sub-conscious. It has felt a little overwhelming to see them all so clearly. A complete surrender is necessitating the full dismantling of these programs. Life has been moving me to surrender into these fears.
Pain has bludgeoned me into surrender.
It is as if my vibration is being drug up through all of the excruciating pain that I have been experiencing regardless of my ego’s desires to not cooperate.
Pain will rule your life to the degree that you have chosen to be here. If you are not choosing to be where you’re at, pain will be your master.
The energy within me supports deep stillness and silence. Sitting here feeling into the pureness of this vibration while also knowing that I will probably inevitably get lost to the mind and egoic illusions is frustrating and confusing. Why would I choose to leave this place?
When I’m giving attention to the stories and fantasies in my mind I’m centrally located in my false egoic self or the dream state of consciousness. What in me resists resting in pure awareness? Why do I resist resting in being, and deepening into the present moment? Why do I enjoy the stories? Why do I seek to avoid life at every turn? What does my ego stand to gain? Honestly, I don’t have to confront fears and my ‘less than’ qualities that I’d rather not see and more importantly feel when I’m living through the story of my mind. I use the stories as a way of avoiding myself and life.
I notice I have developed an enhanced awareness to observe when I’m drifting off into story. Life doesn’t need anything more than the direct experience with the present moment. It is only the ego that feels the need to enhance life with continuous stories.
So, how do you know when you are drifting into story instead of surrendering? Ask yourself…
…What within me is still in separation?
…What habitual thought patterns am I noticing that keep arising?
…What am I supposed to be learning through my pain and suffering?
…Is the pain I am experiencing bringing me closer to myself and reality?
… Is the story in your mind moving you or is Spirit moving you?
You know the pain is bringing you closer to reality and yourself if it is helping you discern when you are slipping into story or the ‘dream state’ of consciousness.
It is interesting how my mind will say, “but what now?” whenever I come out of story. The mind has been a much more pervasive force in my existence than I realized. Or I realized it and didn’t have the awareness to address it. Any time I’m lost in the story of the mind, I’m choosing not to be where I’m at. When we are lost in the story our energies get siphoned and there is less of us and our essence available for the present moment.
Learn to observe what percentage of your thoughts are functional versus fantasy. Being lost to the story in the mind is always a shallow experience. It can be complex but the experience of the story in your being is always surface level. On the other hand, the direct experience of the moment has an astonishing depth to it.
The levels of experience available in the present moment are truly infinite.
Every time we give our consciousness over to the story playing in our mind we are, in that moment, reconstructing our egoic identity. Stories separate you from your direct experience of life. They provide you the illusion of control. Whereas the direct experience of life is always reminding of how you truly have no control. The only control you truly have is whether you surrender to this reality or not.
My ego craves to make a story out of this state of pure awareness and that’s how the slide into the ego begins. I find myself realizing an egoic thought as completely false, yet going with it anyways. I feel that helpless and agonizingly low vibration when I try to assert my ego’s will to dominate and control life.
The pull of the mind can be ferocious as we continue to let go. Often, the energy of the ego and story is the energy of avoidance, escapism, and even desperation. It uses life as a way to avoid waking up. Stories will tangle this energy up in knots and then it becomes stuck and painful to experience. In general, I started taking an, “oh who cares about the Ultimate Realization, I’ll never get there, it’s not for me in this lifetime, so let’s just see what we can get out of the realizations I do have.”
I feel like I need to create a moniker to bring me back when I’m spiraling,
“Leave the story and choose to be here.”
This energy isn’t for stories; it is for the present moment. Staying present allows it to flow freely and this flow feels pleasant and powerful. Living in the reality of no thought is actually much more exciting than living in a story (dream state) or through egoic wanting. Wanting always leads to more wanting.
I have realized on a deep level, that the ‘purpose’ of my life is to wake up FULLY and anything else is secondary. Actually, there is no secondary. There is no anything else besides the Ultimate. Life is continually giving me what I need to wake up.
See what avails itself to you energetically. Be open to receiving, rather than grasping. Be eager to see what the Universe will manifest for you, rather than trying to change your reality through you personal will.
Surrender EVERYTHING to Life.
