Energetic Sickness During A Kundalini Awakening
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For the last few days I’ve been going through an energetic sickness. I’ve been putting my own healing and shadow work advice to the test.
I have come to realize once again how hopeless and futile all of the healing methods and techniques can feel when you’re in the middle of the storm. I have been feeling nearly overwhelmed by a strong current of energetic dis-ease. It feels like a volcano of burning, electric tingling has erupted within me. The energy makes me severely uncomfortable and takes me out of my body while keeping me disoriented and confused.
The pains associated with the shadow while going through a kundalini awakening can become very intense very quickly. Since my next post was going to be Shadow Work Part 2 I figured why not just take you through what I’m going through right now.
This sickness has come in to my life quite a few times and each time I meddle in what can feel like useless contemplation as to what is occurring and why it is occurring. Something deep within always seems to know but I don’t know if I have ever really accessed its knowing so maybe by writing through what has happened to me and how it relates to this most recent trip I’ll be able to illuminate what is underneath these feelings.
The first time I felt anything like what I am feeling now was actually about 6-8 months prior to my full blown kundalini awakening. Looking back I feel like the awakening process was underway but in a much more subtle way.
It was April 2017 and me and my ex-girlfriend had broken up about 3 months prior because we had become horribly codependent and were suffocating each other’s growth and self-expression. I decided to move back to my house in Missoula, Montana to regroup. Because we had grown so codependent and hadn’t cultivated our individuality we had a very hard time being apart. Our desperation and neediness got the better of us and we impulsively decided to try to mend our broken relationship. I knew it was a bad idea that would only lead to more pain but I couldn’t help myself.
As I was driving to Colorado to see her I started getting really sick. Not sick in the catching a cold or having the flu type of sick. It was more like an energetic sickness you get when you know something is really wrong. The closer I got the sicker I became. When I got there it peaked and I literally had to leave within 2 days. My soul was screaming at me the entire time to turn around. After I left, we split for good and I almost immediately felt better.
The next time it happened was very sudden and indescribably intense.
Towards the end of my time in Midland I found myself packing up all of my belongings and putting them in my car as if I was about to leave even though I wasn’t planning on leaving till Winter or early Spring. It was the end of June. My Mom would ask me what I was doing and I would respond that I guess I’m getting ready to leave. I didn’t really know what else to say. It felt like it wasn’t ‘me’ packing up. I hadn’t decided to leave. But here I was packing all my things in to my car.
After about two days of this I started to feel a powerfully charged internal pressure to leave and to leave like right now. It go so uncomfortable that I put my 2 week notice in months before I was planning to. Soon after the energy went from uncomfortable to completely overwhelming and I knew I had to leave. The energy was literally burning through my solar plexus. I remember forcing myself to lay down and do my allowing exercise and having my entire being screaming at me LEAVE.
After a series of impossibly difficult conversations with my Mom, Dad, Boss and Bosses Boss, I left. Truly, I feel like leaving wasn’t my minds choice. I didn’t want to leave my cozy, high paying job on short notice while risking $5,000 in the process. I didn’t want to leave my parents hanging out to dry when it came to watching their dogs while they were out of town. I didn’t want to leave without saying bye to my Sister, Brother in law, Nephew and Niece. I didn’t want any of these things but I realized that I was only going to continue to feel worse if I didn’t listen to my intuition.
Once I hit the road I instantly came alive to the knowing that I was doing what was asked of me and the energy slowly relaxed. When I was about 15 miles out of town I finally had a good hard cry while thinking about how grateful I was to have such a loving and understanding family. I knew I was going to miss them so much.
This post has already become too long and too autobiographical so I’ll skip the other 2 occurrences that took place in Spokane and just move to the present moment.
I’m writing this while going through what I think is close to the worst of it. The circumstances surrounding this latest episode have to do mostly with self-doubt and limited beliefs leading me towards a situation that I felt I was required to do. Slowly, I started feeling worse and worse and more and more disconnected from my source. Because I’ve learned a lot from my past waves of energetic sickness I knew that trying to stick it out would be futile and would only exaggerate the symptoms so I quickly let go.
I’ve always had this idea of who I am and letting go of that identity has been hard for me. My mind is quick to point out all the ways in which my change will lead to failure, poverty and estrangement.
This sometimes leads me to just wanting to do what I’ve always done to be complacently comfortable. Every time I try I always crash hard and vow not to do it again but then the doubts and old beliefs start arising once more.
I’m learning in very real ways that one of the side effects of a kundalini awakening is the loss of your free will. Your soul can no longer tolerate doing things that are out of alignment with your deepest truth. The consequences are starting to get more severe as I get more sensitized to what brings me the greatest degree of truth and alignment. It has very literally gotten to the point that I would rather starve to death doing what I love than even try to do something out of a fear of survival.
The only path to freedom and peace for me is to allow the kundalini to live through me as me. This path is beautiful for the soul but horrifying for the ego.
I have come to the realization that at the core of all of these episodes of energetic sickness is pain. Somewhere along the way either in this life or another I’ve asked to be a healer. In order for this deeply held desire to manifest the universe is giving me what every great healer needs. Pain. The pain is my teacher, my healer, my truth. It is my higher-self giving me a fierce lesson about the cost of being something that I’m not.
As the unrelenting pain continues to burn through me I know that compassion and wisdom wait for me on the other side and that all I have to do is to keep letting go. When we go through these gut wrenching and difficult times we can feel shaken to our very core. We might feel that everything is being taken from us. It feels like the pain is stripping away all of my beliefs and judgments, bit by bit, taking anything that is no longer useful.
Just when you think you have been fully deconstructed and that you are nearly bare another layer plunges its way up. Layer after layer, until, maybe finally one day it has all been shed. And if this day ever comes it will be a cause for celebration, because really we came here with everything we ever needed.
