Kundalini Psychosis- A Sudden Realization
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The picture for this post is an incredible and awe inspiring sunset in Midland, Texas. I will never forget that place.
The next 5 months I spent there were MUCH better than the initial 5 months but that’s not before I went in to one final breakdown that lead to a couple days of psychosis but ultimately to a deep realization that set me free from my suffering in my ways. After 5 weeks of trying to keep it together through what felt like an outer body experience the energy ramped back up beyond what my psyche could handle. I returned from Cross Fit one morning and got ready for work. I was eating my breakfast and things seemed fine (fine being a loose term for something crazy is happening to me but I think I can keep going). Another day of waiting until whatever was going on with me to pass. Unfortunately, that’s not what this particular day had in mind for me. As I walked outside to get in to my car to go to work I felt a huge wave of energy come over me.
Suddenly, I was literally in a different realm of reality. What was once a semi tolerable albeit difficult reality instantly became an intense fear filled reality resembling a nightmare.
I was in a borderline panic attack the entire day at work. I could barely speak to customers as my anxiety about the sudden surge of energy continued to escalate. I spent the next 8 days at home in bed or pacing around barefoot in the back yard. I was experiencing yet another but more intense psychotic bout of Kundalini Syndrome. The thing I remember most vividly is just the relentless nature of the energy. How for 8 consecutive days there were no periods day or night where the energy would abate. It was set on breaking me for good this time. As my fear of what was happening continued to increase my psychological condition continued to worsen. I nearly stopped eating and sleeping all together and lost 18 lbs. I was calling my Mom every day telling her I think I’d have to go to the psyche ward any time now. By the 7th day I was so broken and scared that I had my dad take me to the ER. I was convinced I had a brain tumor or some sort of neurological condition. I almost hoped I did because I just wanted an answer to what was happening to me. The ER wouldn’t run an MRI on me without a Neurologists order so I got in at the Neurologist the next day and they sent me for an MRI right away. On the day (2-2-2018) I went to get an MRI and prior to going in to the place where one gets an MRI I writhed and cried and suffered my way through another panic attack on the cement outside of my Mom's jeep. I sat on the cement asking my Mom to just take me to the ER down the street because I didn't know what was going on with me and I felt like I needed to be somewhere where I couldn't do harm to myself. The energy in my body was so overwhelming that I felt completely hopeless and powerless. I decided against the ER because I had already been 3 or 4 times in the last few months not counting all the trips to psychologists, psychiatrists and a 4 day stint at the detox facility and nothing ever came out wrong with me. My problems were completely psycho-somatic. But they were so real! Didn't anyone get it? I was suffering from something real and outside of my ability to understand or cope with. It was literally killing me. Burning me up from the inside 24/7. There was no escape. Just constant and immense suffering. The day outside of the MRI place is where I felt like it had reached some sort of peak. It got to the point to where I couldn't take it any longer and I couldn't even blame myself because who could take what I was going through?
When I got home that day I told my Mom to not be disappointed in me if I took my life. You HAVE to understand that I've tried EVERYTHING and that I just cannot take this for one more second I told her. When I saw in her face the exasperated understanding of my situation it scared the shit out of me.
Holy shit, I've actually suffered so much that my own Mom understands that suicide is a reasonable solution. In that moment of sheer terror I just kept thinking this can't actually be happening to me. I can't actually be this close to suicide or even worse the psyche ward. I would have checked myself in somewhere that moment but something in me just knew that pumping my body full of toxic pills wouldn't help anything and that I might never come back from it. But there I was, knowing full well that if suicide was as easy as pushing a button I would have pushed it hundreds of times in the past 5 months. I had gone on to suicide assistance sites looking for the easiest and most efficient way to end it hundreds of times. At one point it was one of my most visited sites on my phone so that when I clicked on Google Chrome it auto filled as a favorite. I had researched assisted suicide in Oregon and realized that my situation didn't apply. I considered pills (not effective enough- people only succeed 12% of the time) a gun- I actually visualized myself buying a gun and ending it somewhere in the West Texas desert countless times. My favorite fantasy was jumping off a very tall building. It seemed efficient and simple. I began researching the tallest buildings near me. Just writing this I can't still can't believe that's where I was but it was very real and I now know the depths of consciousness on a first hand basis. So that night after seeing the heart breaking look of surrender on my Mom's face and seeing the writing on the wall I laid in bed and put on Ocean’s Eleven and as I laid in bed I knew that the answer was to just stay alive. To not give up. If I ever made it out of this I would be able to help people going through something similar. That became my purpose for survival. I literally took it one breath at a time. I laid there and took 8 second inhales through my nose and in to my stomach and held for 3 seconds and then exhaled to a count of 10 seconds out of my mouth and I just did that over and over for hours until I fell asleep telling myself that I can just do this the rest of my life and never kill myself. I can survive this even if it is just one breath at a time.
So it's the next day (2-3-2018) and I wake up with a burst of inspiration and I am forcing myself to think positive all day and its sort of working. I am holding off crazy energy by constantly forcing myself to think positive, smoking a cigarette every 20 minutes and making laps around the neighborhood. I think okay I can do this. All I have to do is control my thoughts and not allow the negativity and anxiety to come up and I've got this beat. That day is okay and I don't feel all that great but I'm not as bad and I think I'm making progress. And then comes that night. I can't sleep. I just can't. It's coming back. Hard. And this time I know I can't hold it back with controlling my thoughts no matter how hard I try. I maybe sleep for two hours and the next day I feel like not only is life not worth living but now I'm starting to have symptoms of psychosis/schizophrenia.
I started becoming completely disconnected from reality, I couldn't think straight and I was having delusional thoughts and impulses. I thought for sure 100% now I'm going to the psychiatric ward and really I couldn't think of a reason not to. I just remember the pain. The pain of losing my mind was just so unbearable.
I started becoming completely disconnected from reality, I couldn't think straight and I was having delusional thoughts and impulses. I thought for sure 100% now I'm going to the psychiatric ward and really I couldn't think of a reason not to. I just remember the pain. The pain of losing my mind was just so unbearable. I had gotten to the point to where I wasn't even competent enough to carry out a suicide. And that thought was absolutely TERRIFYING. Oh my god I am so gone and sick that I can't even get out of this if I wanted to! I am trapped! I remember sitting outside that day as my mom and sister were working on plants in the back yard wondering what was happening to me and if they could know what was going on inside of me how incredibly scared they would be for me. But after the day before when I was looking to be a little more recovered I didn't want to ruin any ones super bowl Sunday for no reason because there is absolutely nothing they could of done for me had they known how psychotic I was becoming. When my parents left for the Super Bowl party at my sister’s house I just sat there on the couch feeling like this was it. But something came in to me and said you know what, if I have severe mental illness than I have severe mental illness but I'm going to figure this out. It was then that I opened my phone and found this calm down mind article. It talked about how all we are is energy. Dark and light energy. And all illness (physical and mental) is due to an energetic imbalance. And whatever you fully allow can never be overwhelming it is only what we resist that feels overwhelming. The knowledge that I had been resisting for 5 months came rushing in to me like a tidal wave. I am getting tremendous goosebumps right now just typing about it. I had been fighting and struggling and suppressing and running from all of the crazy feelings and energy that had taken over my body for the last 5 months that they had continued to build and intensify until I was on my knees in desperation for a release. Something inside of me clicked. I FINALLY got it. It took me to get to that point to really surrender and to allow all of those emotions and thoughts and feelings to just come rushing up to the surface to be released.
