Fear
What stands out the most about my time in Midland, Texas was the sheer amount of fear energy that I walked through.
The intense surges of fear came up in layers. As each layer of fear presented itself I would fully allow it and all the thoughts and emotions that came with it. I would just observe the energy and try not to get pulled in to identifying with it or get too scared of it and shut down. As uncomfortable as it felt to have such an abundance of fear coming up within my being I could sense the innate wisdom that the fear contained. I could feel the deepening of my being after each layer released. I started to lay down and actively encourage the fear to come up. I began realizing that our darkness is the source of our inner power. I had become meek, timid, inauthentic and had lost all sense of who I was over the years of heavy conditioning and fearful compromises. The darker energy was taking me back to my source and illuminating who I really was. Who I had been all along. I just had to relinquish denying the parts of me that needed to be seen and accepted.
There was almost always a strong feeling of fear being purged within and at least on a weekly basis something really crazy would happen. One evening when I was in bed doing my daily allowing practice I started to feel immense pressure at the bottom of my spine. I kept letting go deeper and deeper and then suddenly was engulfed in more fear energy than I could tolerate. Instead of surrendering to the energy I panicked and closed down. I hadn’t developed the capacity to handle such an avalanche of fear.
It felt as if the Kundalini energy was going to surge up my spine and I just wasn’t ready for that.
The excess fear that had come up stayed with me the whole next day at work. I was so frightened at work that day that I could barely speak to customers. I had to keep taking breaks to go outside so I could breakdown in tears. It felt like the energy was here for good because it just wouldn’t pass. I didn’t know if I had done something wrong or if some terrible dark force was upon me. I had such a tremendous amount of fear about the situation that I put in my two weeks and went home. Convinced that the fear was permanent that evening I laid in bed shaking and crying wondering what had happened to all the progress I had made. Despite my pessimism I kept allowing it to fully up arise when out of nowhere the fear subsided and I could breathe again. I rescinded my 2 week notice and stayed at LAZBOY until the day I left Midland.
When I was in Del Rio I got hit with a particularly severe storm of fear energy and was really put to the test. Being 5 hours away from home in a place that I had never been before was a test of my trust in the process and in myself. I remember driving home feeling the energy swaying from side to side in my subtle body. I didn’t know what a subtle body was at the time so I was appropriately confused and alarmed. Every day was just a practice of walking directly in to the fear and negativity. I would go to work and walk directly in to my fear while standing and talking with strangers every day. I printed out the quote below and put it in my desk at work. Some days I would read it several times just to keep reminding myself that the only way out was through.
“There is no short cut to coming to an inner stability/balance, it can’t achieved through pills or hypnosis – it’s a state you come to through a conscious release of past negativity and a conscious grounding in your space of being. For while you will need to spend time just being open to the negativity that arises, instead of trying to escape it – you don’t have to sit in some specific place, neither do you have to allocate specific times , let it be more natural, as a part of your daily living. Whenever negativity arises, just stay open to it, instead of running for rescue. If you find it difficult to be open to it, it just means you are getting afraid of the energy that’s arising, and the thoughts that are being produced, instead of just observing them as a pure awareness. I understand that it’s tough initially, because your mind has a high momentum, and your body has a lot of suppressed negativity – but there is no real choice in this matter, no short cut, it’s pure physics that the energy that you accumulated through your past unconscious identification with negativity needs to get released before you can sense the stability. The simplest pointer is stop trying to escape what arises, and just stay with it in an openness, and allow it to arise fully – it gets easier as you keep allowing, because as you keep allowing your spaciousness keeps increasing inside, you feel more open within. Right now you have very little space within and hence feel overwhelmed as soon as the negative arises. This space needs to grow, and it can only grow when become consciously allowing of this negative energy, even in the midst of fear.”
After my days at work I would come home and lay in bed and allow or go sit on the swing and enjoy my parents beautiful back yard in silence. Sometimes my Mother would join me outside and we would have long heart felt talks about the nature of life and what I was going through. When I needed a break from it all I would indulge in watching NBA basketball with my dad. I really cherish those days.
But most of every day and every moment was taken up by the process of purging fear and coming to know myself better. Everything seemed to trigger a fear state. After watching a documentary on the great and controversial sage Osho, I woke up the next morning to Osho asking, “are you ready?” I nodded my consent then he went, “1… 2… 3… GO!” And has he said go he snapped his fingers. When he snapped his fingers I flew up out of bed with a jolt and was startled for some time. I’m not sure if the jumping out of bed part was part of the dream or actual reality but the dream itself felt more real than I could process.
There were other strange psychic phenomena that happened but mostly they don’t amount to much. The mystical and psychic experiences are a small part of the experience of a Kundalini Awakening so I don’t really find the desire to go in to too much detail unless they significantly altered my experience on the path.
The other thing that stands out about my time in Midland was the glowing light of presence that is my Nephew, Grey. There were countless times where I didn’t feel like doing anything. The transformation process of a Kundalini Awakening is exhausting and doesn’t leave energy for much else. Yet every time he came over I felt instantly enlivened and ready to engage. My favorite day of the week was when my Sister, Nephew and Niece would come over for lunch with me and my parents. I had never felt any sort of connection to a child before connecting with my Nephew Grey.
