Open Diaries
‘A Day of Reckoning’
I feel a bit hopeless and broken today; I feel like I have repeatedly turned my back on what I know to be the highest. I keep choosing samsara over the divine. It is heart wrenching to keep choosing lower than I know is possible.
I am saddened and exhausted today. Stepping so far away from myself, and acting from that place for a sustained period of time brings a chaotic and painful energetic dissonance into my system.
Writing brings me back to myself, and is bringing tears to my eyes. My formula for fulfillment and alignment is really so simple, connect deeply to my space of being and write. That’s it. I’m so sad that I allowed myself to drift so far away from what I know is True :(
My guide Craig Holliday always teaches, “allow the kundalini to live through you as you.”
When I feel into this, I realize that the kundalini wants to connect deeply to spacious awareness, to the heart center and to write and create from there. She desires to commune with Gaia, to drink water and fresh juice and herbal tea. She doesn’t have an agenda, she isn’t creating to ‘get’ something, she is not concerned about being received well, being loved, or hopeful of some type of response, she just wants to flow.
When I feel into what the character of ‘Matt’ (pain body) wants its lustful sex, dopamine and instant gratification, thinkingness, endless vacation, attention, to be validated, to be loved and pleasure.
When I allow the kundalini to live through me as me my experience of life is abundant and flowing, serenated by an ever present and reverberating Peacefulness with flavors of love, joy and melancholy dancing throughout and within my consciousness.
When I live for Matt’s desires my experience of life is deadening and hollow. I am always chasing things that are never enough no matter how much of them I get. I find myself suffering in the hell realms of desperation, addiction and samsara.
I feel much better just through the simple building and creation of this first blog post. I am recognizing that writing evolves my consciousness as much or more than anything else I could possibly do. And that is precisely why it feels so good on a soul level, because my soul is all about maximum growth.
When Lightning Strikes’
Yesterday as I was posting day one’s journal entry, a tremendous blast of lightning and thunder suddenly struck so close to me that I went simultaneously into a state of shock and awe. In that moment I could feel the power of the blast surging through my being, the reverberations and pulsations of the electromagnetic energy continued on within my consciousness for minutes afterwards.
Feelings of bewilderment, reverence, and terror engulfed my being. My inner child had quite literally been jolted and his familiar hypervigilance was fully activated. Part of me was wondering how close I had been to a painless and instantaneous death.
My immediate knowing was that this was a sacred and powerful communication from the divine, a powering up and supportive energy emanated during and after the experience.
At my deepest levels I wasn’t afraid, I was appreciative. I somehow had the intuitive knowing that this lightning strike wasn’t to harm me, but was somehow a force of benevolence. The strike had me feeling a special connection with God, it was surreal experiencing Her magnificent power so intimately and in such a new and unprecedented way.
The experience was so abrupt and engulfing that I didn’t have time to think. For a moment, there was no separation between the lighting, thunder and myself. It was all me, or rather there was no me. And that was perfect. Because when there is no me force at work, that is when we are at our most powerful, because we are truly an empty conduit for Grace to work her magic through.
As the shock and adrenaline slowly wore off from the jarring intensity of the lightning strike, I started to feel waves of insecurity, not good enough and hopelessness come up. As I surrendered and allowed these waves to flow through my being, I could also feel a universal energy here to help me through this experiment. It felt as though there was the possibility that something greater than me had taken an interest in this experiment and wanted to assist with energetic support and inspiration.
I notice that when I spend large chunks of time away from my phone and internet and distractions, that I naturally start praying more than usual and prayer just feels more natural and effortless. I urge all of you to start dopamine fasting and see if you don’t also find yourself in a more flowing and deep communication with the divine.
I am feeling very humble and ready for lasting transformation.
The more we are in our power, the more we have to give.
I am realizing that I wasn’t really relaxed for the first 4.5 months after leaving home to go live alone on the other side of the country. Between trying to support myself financially with my spiritual business, being alone in a new place and feeling less insulated from everything going on in the world, I was really in a racy, ungrounded and frenetic mind space for good portions of the adventure, especially early on. This evening I am having this feeling wash over me that I am finally rooting more fully into my heart center and really finding my home again resting deeply in beingness.
My virgo perfectionist mind took over and I started editing day one’s entry late at night, and before I knew it I was full swing into a channeling state. Light was coursing through my body. I essentially re-wrote day #1 which was beautiful but now I am feeling the hangover effects of channeling until the early morning ours. Sleep after channeling is always more like lucid dreaming. Today I am feeling a lot of frenetic energy. This experiment is going to really force me to commit to staying in my body and grounded, as writing really takes me into a channeled state and up into my higher chakra centers.
We don’t go to the mind and the realm of thought because we are trying to escape resting in beingness. We could rest in beingness forever. We go to the mind to escape pain-but the pain remains frozen in place, we are just temporarily disassociating from it. As we gradually and slowly relinquish the reflex and addiction of going into the mind when pain arises, and remain resting in beingness, the pain thaws and transmutes… the more time you spend within your vessel, the more alive and heated up it becomes, and therefore the more alchemy begins taking place, and as a result your experience of life becomes filled with freshness and spontaneity…. conversely the more time you spend in thoughts, distractions and addiction, the more the pain and trauma in your vessel freeze and consequently your experience of life becomes a repetitive cycle of living out old and unsatisfying patterns.
‘Healing A Closed Heart Chakra’
What I have noticed as I have been spending lots of time meditating in my heart center these past few days, is that right when I am about to access the depths of my heart, a tantalizing sexual fantasy will emerge. A sexual fantasy that isn’t just visual, it isn’t the images that pull me, it is the powerful sexual lust energy that is intertwined with the fantasy that really pulls me out of the depths of my heart and into the imagery.
I never really was able to observe this pattern until day 2 of this most recent experiment. I have discovered that the intense full body sexual fantasies during meditation are my minds way of distracting me from the pain in the depths of my heart center; it feels as if the mind is saying, “woah! that is wayyyy too much to feel right now, here is something I KNOW will pull your attention and focus away from those intense feelings of pain, rage and grief.” And then bam, an engulfing and incredibly stimulating sexual fantasy appears and my heart center goes neglected again. The mind crafts these fantasies just for me, it knows precisely the imagery and scenarios that will pull me from the depths of my heart break.
(I feel it needs to be said right here, that sexual fantasies are not bad, and it is totally possible and highly recommended to have amazing heart centered sexual fantasies and climaxes. But this blog post is more focused on the lustful sexual fantasies that pull us out of the heart center and into our ‘lower natures.’)
The sexual fantasies are essentially a veil, to keep me from fully being with and feeling the sensations in my heart center.
As this pattern was being uncovered and illuminated last night, how I have lived my life up until this point started to make so much more sense. I had to ask myself, “how many times have I chased sex just to avoid feeling the pain in my heart?” Sex that at my depths and on a soul level I probably didn’t even want.
Even while laying in bed, I recognized that chasing one sexual fantasy after another rather then being in my heart space, was definitely not what I wanted to do anymore. With a new awareness about what was happening within me, and a renewed devotion to supporting my aching heart, I spent hours just simply being with and holding my tender heart.
I started feeling into deep layers of burning and electrical like pain and pulsations. I felt an immense amount of heavy karmic pain start thawing and coming out through my eyes. I recognized how connected my heart center is to the pain in my other energy centers, especially my throat and 3rd eye. As I kept feeling into my hurting heart, I could feel the pain in other centers thaw and come to life as well. The heart really is a powerhouse energy center in the body.
My kundalini awakening has primarily been a top down process. For the first years the kundalini was working day and night on opening my crown and 3rd eye chakras, and then she moved into the throat (see 300+ youtube videos 😂) and now fittingly with the experiment I am undergoing, she is really asking for my energetic support and presence while she starts healing my closed heart chakra.
I can feel my heart communicating to me how much it is loving being held in my hands so frequently.
When you rest in your heart space long enough, your true desires begin to spring forth in your consciousness. True desires come forward with a sense of ease and effortlessness, meaning you don’t have to go digging, or think about them at all, they just emerge all on there own from within your heart space. And because there is no ego/mind authorship when it comes to your true desires, what emerges may actually surprise you quite a bit! What I have realized, is that standing between me and I want on a soul level, is a wounded and closed heart chakra.
It feels that these heart centered meditations are dissolving density and freeing up energy. The world feels more of an open possibility to engage with, rather then something to dread and closed up. This is simply a mirroring of my heart space. The vibrations of love that emanate from an open heart chakra will uplift this Planet out of its darkness.
There is a difference between being connected to your heart center and having an open heart chakra. Ideally, we are connected and open, but if our heart chakra is too hurt and afraid to be open it is 1 million times better to still be connected to it rather then neglecting it all together. Of course it may be painful to remain in connection with your heart center if it is closed down and hurting, but your willingness to stay connected and presence is giving it exactly what it needs to heal and open again. I feel in my most recent 37 day video challenge that my heart was really hurting and not fully open, but I was very connected to my heart and that is what got me through <3
For some periods during meditation in my heart center, I felt the heaviest sensations of unworthiness and self doubt, the feelings were permeated with a doom like quality. It felt as if the feelings were communicating to me that my life was over, that death was upon me, or even that I would be better off dead. They were just so heavy and intense, and I could see why my mind was doing what ever it could to keep me from these uncharted depths in my heart center, it was simply just trying to protect me from sensations, that if encountered earlier in my development may have disintegrated the psyche.
Recently on retreat, my lovely healer Chesaray pointed out how she could feel how thoroughly exhausted I am deep within, and now I am beginning to understand that it could be from carrying such a heavy heart all this time.
When your heart is closed, it feels like you against the world; when your heart is open, you feel at One with the world and that life is working with you and not against you. Really opening the heart chakra unlocks everything, it is like tapping into the secret vault of love and Oneness.
Channeling Light through the heart chakra helps system stay balanced.
My heart begins to shut down and armor up when it feels rejected. These experiences of perceived rejection are beautiful and opportune moments to embrace your heart even more fully. Because when we hold and soothe our wounded hearts in the moments it is used to being abandoned, the heart begins to experience and learn that there is always unconditional love here, regardless of whether it is receiving external love and validation, and then the heart slowly starts feelings safer staying open, even when difficult and painful sensations arise.
Giving our gifts to Life brings us more fully into our heart space. I’ve noticed that as I’ve been writing everyday during this experiment, that I am gradually being brought into the depths of my heart center, and how this movement is bringing forward more density and pain for me to process and digest. Giving our gifts to life gives us more access to the wounds that need to be healed in our heart chakra.
When you let go of distractions and powerless behaviors, and begin sitting with your heart center, you give the heart what is has always wanted, which is you, your presence.
Initially, while being out on my own in the world I instinctively ‘armored up’ because I thought that this is what I needed to do to survive and to ‘stay safe.’ But actually what happened is my heart closed down and I began to experience less feelings of support and safety.
Perhaps some of the strongest and most powerful warriors and competitors were those with big open hearts. I know this feels counter-intuitive, but while I was watching a documentary on Michael Jordan, perhaps the greatest athlete to ever live, I intuited that he had this huge open heart. Of course he had his misgivings and flaws, but when I felt into his consciousness, I felt a lot of power emanating from his heart chakra.
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‘Devastating Energetic Transformations’
Shortly after I posted day 3’s journal entry, an all consuming tidal wave of energetic upheaval washed through my being. The most intense energetic clearings seem to happen suddenly, without warming or reason, and take us straight into the fetal position.
For 45 minutes I was completely wrecked and unable to function. My vision became blurry, a piercing headache developed and I felt very ungrounded and disoriented. It is in these moments that the mind does its best to figure out what all of the symptoms are about and how they were caused. But often times in our energetic awakening journey’s, there is no cause and effect, things are just happening all of there own, and this can be distressing to the mind, to say the least.
It is also normal in these moments to begin doubting EVERYTHING. During today’s the deeply healing energetic tsunami, I started feeling immense doubt about my last blog post, and I kept questioning “was I too vulnerable? will people be turned off by my honesty about my sexual fantasies?”
The waves of pain and devastation were so abrupt and bewildering that I even exclaimed out loud to the Universe, “this is so devastating.” Those words were soon followed by a loud and shrieking, “ahhhhhhhh!” sound that involuntarily expressed through my being.
While we are in the middle of these type of energetic clearing storms, the pain, confusion, symptoms and sense of doom and doubt can feel never ending and bottomless and a sense of deep hopelessness can set it in.
However, over time as we gain more experience with these difficult purges, a feeling of inner stability and maturity begins to take root. From this foundation of inner stability and maturity, we gently, with patience and compassion, soothe the one who is feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and swallowed up by the excruciating sensations.
After the hardest part of the spiritual alchemy had passed, I decided to go on a walk to help the energy integrate. As I was walking, I was reflecting on how in the last 15 months or so I’ve repeatedly had the intention to live more fully in my heart space, to help it heal and open, but time after time finding myself abandoning the heart center because the constant searing and burning pain would become just too much for my psyche to be with for long periods.
But today, something feels different, I feel more ready to engage with this broken and wounded heart on an everyday basis, not so much to mend it or fix it, but just because it feels good and fulfilling to be with the pain now. Dare I say it, I am falling in love with my hurting and aching heart. While strolling through the Tennessee woods, I spoke aloud to my heart, “I will never give up on you.”
When we tap into our hearts desires, everything can become so clear, and we may start to feel very excited, even euphoric about fulfilling our hearts desires in the physical reality. There often times can be this tendency to want to do it ALL at once. But what I have learned, is to really savor the process, to really allow yourself to go slow and deepen into every step along the way. And the more we are able to really take our time and Enjoy the journey, I find that we actually fall in love with the process itself.
Staying in the heart space = simultaneously more real confidence and humility; this is because when you are living through the heart space, you can feel how the One is working through you, rather then your ego. So your confidence grows because you can feel something much greater working through you, but you stay humble because you know you have no real authorship over the work, its not ‘yours’ its the Universe’s.
When I am connecting to Beingness often, the Beingness writes the blogs for me. When I am not connecting to Beingness, Matt has to write the blogs. Quality of writing Beingness > Matt
Even though I am nearly constantly in pain while remaining with my heart, I feel more alive, more connected to all that I am, and so the pain becomes satisfying, because when I am feeling it, I know I am at least experiencing what’s real.
‘Embracing Aloneness’
A guiding principle to live by for those of us going through a huge energetic awakening is, ‘follow the energy.’ Follow the energy above all else when it comes to work, relationships, diet etc. The energy is always communicating the Truth to us, it is just at times we can become very resistant to surrendering to the energy because we may not like the inconvenient truth that it is revealing to us, and that is when intense pain begins churning throughout our being. A good word for this is energetic dissonance. In fact I have written a whole blog on this before titled, ‘Energetic Sickness During a Kundalini Awakening’
I have this habit of externalizing my authority. When I have an inner discovery of something that I know is true for me, I will often go online and look to some other authority to give me the permission to live the truth that my soul is communicating to me. I feel I am ready to begin trusting my own authority more, without seeking as much outside guidance.
Our own authority shows up in our bodies, and often times what our own inner authority says to do is very surprising to the mind, because its goes against our conditioning or what we were told to do as children. So the mind scours to find another blogger, speaker, spiritual person etc to tell us that yes, it is okay to live the truth that’s showing up in our bodies.
And for awhile on the path, it is perfect to go seeking outside of ourselves to find validation and support for the radical truth that is showing up within us, but once you reach a certain point, you may start to feel a lot of inner resistance while looking to others for validation, and this is precisely what happened to me today as I was digging through blog after blog looking for someone to tell me that my truth is okay to live.
My Soul has been begging me to go into aloneness. Lately it feels as if my Soul is literally dragging me into aloneness. Here are some insights that came through for me about the powerful benefits of aloneness as it relates to my journey:
It is in aloneness that I discover ALL of myself; that my innate gifts and capacities are activated. When I spend long periods in aloneness it literally feels like my entire auric, psychic field expands and becomes more alive with information from Source.
Aloneness=alignment=maximal healing, creativity opportunities and flow.
Deep down I have actually been desiring aloneness and individuation my whole life. This makes perfect sense as an Aries North Node.
You will find as you embrace aloneness, that your heart and energy centers will become more open and receptive.
When you are alone, you are able to get very clear.
When you do everything you can do avoid your Souls yearning to being alone, you are depleting all of your ‘change juice’ and cool the evolutionary fire within.
Often, what keeps us from surrendering into aloneness, even when we clearly know that life is guiding us in that direction, is the fear of what we may lose. I always remember Matt Kahn saying something along the lines of, “the mind can only measure what it is losing, it cannot measure what will be gained as a result of letting go.”
Everyday that you embrace alignment is such a powerful day of growth and expansion.
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