Kundalini, Cigarettes And Hell Realms
The kundalini is a destructive process.
Our outer lives will start crumbling and disintegrating in major and transformative ways that we could have never expected or foreseen.
The upheaval is instigated by the destruction that is occurring within.
I had just moved home after a terrifying energetic explosion that sent me to the ER in Las Vegas, NV. It felt like my brain had melted.
My brain just wouldn’t turn on. My body felt full of dense bricks, and a ball of excruciating anxiety and panic was continually burning in my gut. Just existing was a major burden.
Day after day I would scan endless forums that discussed neuro-toxicity, and my confused and scared mind would find several irreversible conditions and atrocities to connect my situation to. I didn’t know recovery was a possibility. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my brain chemistry had been altered and that neurologically something dramatic had occurred.
I had nothing to connect my experiences to. Kundalini and spiritual awakening were as foreign and unreal to me as someone claiming alien encounters.
I did have cigarettes.
As I was staying up through the nights I would periodically go outside and smoke cigarettes. Even though I knew how bad they were for me, they felt worth it. And at the time, they were.
I was burning away in the upheaval process. An upheaval process only to leave me stranded and submerged in hell. A hell I didn’t know how to navigate. I didn’t believe in heaven and hell before the kundalini awakened in my being. Heaven and hell were just concepts to me.
Suddenly, I was literally in hell. I was scared, confused and broken. Every moment felt like a lifetime in and of itself. I was convinced that my recovery was hopeless. At one point I stopped entertaining the idea of getting better all together.
I was losing my ‘self’ more every day. I was abandoning any possibility of ever leaving this hell realm.
Death felt like a sweet release. Little did I know I just had to surrender to the darkness to experience the ego death and sweet release that follows. No, I was a fighter. I was going to ‘beat’ this darkness, outsmart it, recover with pills and powder and exercise.
I was in control. The spinning chaos and gut-wrenching pain that had become my reality, would be defeated through sheer will and determination. Until it would not and could not.
The harder I tried to beat the darkness through will power, the deeper I sank into it.
The only time I wasn’t sifting through websites self-diagnosing myself with incurable neurological disorders or fantasizing about suicide was when I was smoking cigarettes.
Cigarettes, at one point were the most positive aspect of my life. When I was smoking a cigarette I just was. It became a time when I gave myself permission to take a break from the constant struggle and dread.
I was utterly desperate. Months had gone by where I was barely able to leave my bed. The hell I was living in felt like it was becoming a permanent residence.
I had lost hope in the phrase, “this too shall pass.” Why wasn’t this passing? How had I gotten here? I was submerged in a thick, dark cloud of depression. Except it felt levels lower than depression. I had been depressed before, this was something different. This was a different plane of existence.
My chronic anxiety, panic attacks and listlessness had become so debilitating that leaving my room, let alone my parents’ house had become nearly impossible.
The one place I would frequent nearly every day was the gas station down the street. I would habitually drive there, buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple and then throw the rest out or give them away, vowing never to smoke again. Or maybe I would take just a few home with me to smoke and THEN I would be done for good.
I developed a relationship with one of the gas station attendants who smoked the same brand as me. I would often give her the rest of my cigarettes when I had convinced myself that I had smoked my last one. And then, the next day I would randomly go in and ask to buy just a couple from her for a dollar or two. I think she could tell that I was going through something, though she always happily gave me the cigarettes with a big smile. She was the only connection I had outside of my immediate family for my first few months in Midland, Texas.
As fiercely as the kundalini guides us to purity in all ways, she seems to make an exception here and there early in our awakenings. My exception was cigarettes.
They gave me a reason to go outside and ponder. My only brief respites from complete and utter suffering were the temporary distraction of a cigarette.
I would stand behind the gas station gazing out at the horizon, smoking cigarettes while pondering my past, present and future through a broken and shell-shocked mind.
My intellect was disintegrated, my psyche felt beyond repair, and my body was going haywire with torrents of fear rushing through it. Lifetimes of density and trauma were surfacing to be healed, and bringing forth more pain and suffering than I knew a human being capable of enduring. The kundalini was taking me to my knees in surrender.
I look back at that scared young man smoking outside of the gas station with compassion and tears in my eyes. He was so confused with no road map forward.
He was in hell, and with every drag of a cigarette an aspect of himself he didn’t have the awareness to love was soothed.
I don’t regret any cigarettes that I smoked. I only wish I had smoked them with less guilt and self-criticism. But even in the midst of all the craziness I was experiencing, a gentleness for myself was sprouting. In many ways, without explanation I knew the enormity of the destruction that was occurring within, and how much bigger it was than myself.
But I didn’t know or believe any happy endings to be possible. That I’d be sitting here building a blog, YouTube channel and coaching business just over 2 years later, IMPOSSIBLE. That joy and love would spontaneously arise in my being, often for no reason at all, I would have said, no way. My time in hell was lightening the space within me, bringing everything I was carrying from the lower realms to the surface to be dealt with and healed.
Except, I didn’t have the tools to undergo the healing process. I had cigarettes.
I take you into my psychology during my most difficult times in my life, not to scare you, but to show you, that yes, we can get from where I was (completely lost in the darkness) to here (feeling happier, clearer and more appreciative for Life than ever before).
I want to show that this IS the ultimate course and work of the kundalini. This is intended to provide hope and a guide map to those of you going through hell.
I vividly remember smoking cigarettes out behind the gas station and thinking of old college buddies and the person I used to be and wonder why I was the one chosen to endure such hell.
I had been so ‘normal’ I thought. How was it that I had such awful luck to find myself in this living hell? I would ponder how my old friends’ lives were unfolding. I would intuit that they were likely married, raising families and growing their careers.
I felt sharp pangs of sadness and regret, because I was sure those things had been taken from me for good. Initially the kundalini is neurological destruction.
Every day, on a repeating loop I would have thoughts like, “I had a good 30 years. I had a lot of fun and connected with a lot of women (women were what I used to measure and validate myself before awakening). 30 years is a long time, some people die young in wars, accidents or for no reason at all. Young, happy and healthy people even! I should consider myself lucky that I had a good 30 years. That’s a lot to be thankful for. It’s okay that I’ll never be the same and that I may never recover.”
I was literally making my peace with death. I was making my peace with the fact that I may never be put back together again. As hopeless and dark as this sounds, it relieved a lot of the pressure of ‘needing’ things to be different than what they were. I accepted the horrifying darkness and suffering of my existence.
As I was smoking cigarettes I would tell myself, “2 years. I can at least go through this hell for 2 more years before I take my life. I can do that for my family, for my Mom.”
I was hopeful that in 2 years I’d be semi-functional. 2 years later and I am feeling better spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally than I ever have. My life feels like a miracle. I never imagined that 2 years later I would be enjoying the simplicity and awe-inspiring mystery of life with childlike enthusiasm.
I’m doing things today that my older self never could have dreamed of doing. I’m honest, I have integrity, I love myself, I’m fearlessly authentic, creative and now know compassion intimately.
Trust me when I say: what’s happening to you now is something that will yield tremendous fruits over time.
Your pain and suffering are not for nothing.
The deeper your pain and suffering, the more you are growing on a soul level, if you can only hang on to reap the beautiful wisdom, lightness and love that will inevitably follow. All you have to do is stay alive. The right people, insights and healing opportunities will present themselves to you, right when you think you can’t take it for another second.
All the darkness you are experiencing is for something beyond what you can imagine being real right now.
When you find a deep enough surrender into the kundalini, the path with Her becomes gentle. You will begin embodying a state of gratitude and appreciation, and you will discover that you just love Life so much.
When we reach a certain point with Her, we realize that we weren’t fully alive before She came into out life. And giving birth to this new Life is hell, but it is worth it a million times over.
Going back to the old will be unimaginable. It’s like the old never even existed because you were so asleep to existence before kundalini.
And yes, of course my mind still holds sway, and I still get caught up in duality and lower states, but the path back to heart centered joy is so much clearer and my faith so unshakable that when I’m low I don’t mind it because I’ve got the hang of the flow now. She is me and I am her. Today, more than ever before, the kundalini lives through me as me.
The amount of cigarettes I was smoking coincided with the level of hell I was experiencing. As I surrendered to the energy, I simultaneously surrendered my need for cigarettes. I had my last cigarette 1.5 years ago. The only time I even think of them again is when I feel a tremendous amount of egoic pressure and pain in my being.
For a second I think, “a cigarette would help me to escape this.” And it would, but I don’t want to escape anything anymore, I feel safe enough to feel it all now.
And I want to help you find that same safety that is always within you.
I know how powerful it can be to share about when I was at my lowest and darkest days, now that I am on the other side of the darkness and suffering.
I share this to give hope and encouragement to those of you who are completely submerged in a hell realm or just going through a very hard time.
If you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the kundalini or any type of energetic healing crisis I recommend booking a session with me or another kundalini guide. Book here: Book A Session
Recommended Reading:
https://www.kundalinidiaries.com/home/2019/2/18/kundalini-crisis-resources
https://www.kundalinidiaries.com/home/2019/10/8/4-symptoms-of-the-kundalini-purging-process
https://www.kundalinidiaries.com/home/2019/9/23/are-you-having-a-kundalini-awakening
https://www.kundalinidiaries.com/home/2019/9/10/kundalini-craziness
https://www.kundalinidiaries.com/home/2019/2/21/a-sudden-realization
