My Fall from Grace
It was May 26th, 2020 day 91 of my 100 day self-connection experiment, where I would meditate everyday for 2 hours and then share my experiences in a daily video with my growing YouTube audience. I had just finished my 2 hour meditation for the day, and felt this powerful desire to learn how to do a handstand.
Within minutes I was on my yoga mat intensely absorbed in a YouTube tutorial. The instructor was explaining how it was crucial to first learn how to roll out of a handstand before actually attempting to do handstand for safety reasons.
I am still in disbelief to this day, how attempting to do something to keep myself ‘safe’ would end up thrusting me into one of the most debilitating and painful periods of my entire life.
As I was trying to replicate the movements that the instructor was demonstrating with such grace and ease, I found that my body didn’t want to succumb to the movements that I was commanding it to carry out. Everything was feeling so clunky and forced.
On my first attempt to roll out of a handstand, I nearly collided smack into a wooden pillar almost directly to the left of me. ‘Ouch, that could of really hurt’ I thought to myself.
Undeterred, I stood back up, resolved to force my body to do what I wanted it to do, no matter what. ‘Its only a front roll, basically a summer-sault from standing, how hard can it be?’ I thought with the feelings of frustration and impatience beginning to mount. I was always so hard on myself.
In the next moments I would find myself laid out on my back, landing head and neck first on the concrete floor, wondering what the fuck I had just done….
Immediately after landing directly on the back of my head and neck, I crawled onto my bed and hugged myself, calmly allowing my heart to tell me that I was okay. And then I became enraged. How could I have fucked this up so bad?! Why couldn’t I just execute a simple standing roll?!
After the anger came fear. The longer I sat there hugging myself, the more everything started to feel differently. I felt surges of inflamed energy flooding the back of my neck and head, precisely where I had landed.
Suddenly, everything had a darker tint to it, my awareness instantaneously dimmed and shrank, my body and nervous system contracted and filled with terror, heaviness and grief.
My thinking became scattered and disconnected. Feelings and sensations of doom and dread began pervading my entire being as I realized that the way I was processing everything on a mental, emotional and energetic level had been completely altered.
The more I tried to cling to and remember how things were before my fall, the more this suffocating and dark cloud descended over my consciousness. An unbelievable chaos erupted within me and my whole perception of reality morphed into a nightmare before my eyes.
My internal and outer world had dramatically transformed into a hellscape.
I was thoroughly wrecked. The thing about hell realms, is there is no escaping them, that’s basically what makes them a hell realm.
There was just no relief from the excruciating pain and suffering that I was enduring, no surrendering or meditating my way out of the desperate circumstances that I found myself in. As my nervous system gradually became more overwhelmed and flooded with trauma, an ever present anxiety and depression took ahold of me.
My sleep became very shallow and disrupted. My breath labored and constricted. My appetite non existent. The simple act of brushing my teeth took a heroic effort.
Sitting down for a meal with my parents in the evening, was once again the saddest part of everyone’s day, much like it had been 2.5 years prior when I was going through kundalini syndrome.
For the second time in the last 2.5 years I just wanted out. I wanted to die. I was dying. Life felt so unfair again. I once more descended into a place where I was sure that I would never leave. This dark night was just different, my mind told me.
I remember my parents coming home shortly after my fall, and how I couldn’t even look at them in my wretched state. I was in such despair, my fall from Grace so apparent. For some reason I felt ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed for being so depressed and lifeless once again in front of others.
I vividly remember how badly I wanted to cry, how severely I NEEDED to cry, but I just couldn’t, a voice inside my head told me that if I cried I would be acknowledging how badly I was hurt, and I wasn’t yet ready to face that reality. I just could not surrender to what I was feeling, all the tools and inner movements that I had cultivated over the past 2 years were no match for the darkness that was devouring me.
I had just made my way out of a hell realm 2 years ago, and I was FINALLY living a full life again. My plight felt cruel, and I questioned my faith numerous times. I died everyday. All of my aspirations, dreams and inspired goals slowly disappeared, out of reach, seemingly forever.
All I was left with was the question, “why?” ‘why would God drop me on my head?’ ‘why must I go through this agonizing devastation again in this lifetime?!’ ‘why did this have to happen?’
I spent hours everyday researching the purpose of pain and suffering. I was constantly crying out to God for some type of explanation or answer. I had this unquenchable longing to know the meaning behind my accident and subsequent healing crisis. I just couldn’t accept that I was in the depths of hell once again.
Initially after my fall, I tried my best to push through, to keep shooting daily videos and go on living as if nothing had happened. But no matter how much will power I employed, I felt that the darkness was this unrelenting one-million-pound-force, weighing on me every second of every day, and I had this knowing, that it wasn’t going to show any mercy until it had completely broken me.
As the days wore on, and the pain and suffering continued to intensify, my mind began racing. I felt trapped and cornered and began to panic. I had lost my connection to higher consciousness. I wondered if the connection would ever return, and resigned myself to the possibility of it being gone forever. Something about the darkness I was experiencing felt so rooted and permanent.
Often, during the tumultuous days, weeks and months following my fall, the only thing for me to do would be to look around my room, bewildered and in shock as to how I found myself in such a horrifying state of consciousness again.
Each day felt like a lifetime of suffering. It was as if my skin was being peeled off. The scariest part was that I no longer had access to my spacious nature, where I usually would go in times of crisis to connect to a permanent feeling of Peace.
The darkness had invaded all of my hiding spots and flushed me out into the open, so it could have its way with me.
I had no where to go, nowhere to run, and every time I would try to face the darkness, like I always had in the past, it would just overwhelm me and send me into an addictive behavior. I just COULD NOT sit with what was arising.
Prior to my fall I had accumulated all sorts of experience with a more ethereal darkness, but this darkness that I was currently experiencing was just so gritty and earthy, as if there was nothing spiritual about it.
I kept replaying the fall over and over again, and I kept wondering why the consequences of my accident were so severe. I hadn’t hit my head that hard from that high, although I hit precisely on some very vulnerable and sensitive areas on my body and spine.
In the days leading up to my fall I was repetitively uttering the following prayer from deep within my being, “God, give me the access to feel the things within me, that I don’t have access to feel, that need love, that need to be healed.”
It actually felt as if the Universe was uttering this prayer through me, and with every utterance the prayer deepened, and cultivated this powerful felt-sense that the prayer was reverberating throughout my being.
I was repeating this prayer throughout the days leading up to my fall, along with often stepping outside, stretching my arms out to each side as far as they would go and looking up to the heavens, asking God to, ‘wake me up.’
I felt the Truth was that the fall had been a trigger for some of my heaviest wounds and sharpest traumas (perhaps from this life and past) to surface. I had received the answer to my prayers.
